|Still from Fanny and Alexander. Bergmann.|
A model existence...
There it had been. An ideal interior it was, insistent, in intelligent design. Cutesy curtained windows, cottagey feel, it was life in toy-form.
As I dreamt, I was able to lucidly study the space that I had just left.
It was really quite attractive. It felt homely. While on first inspection alien, it had a strange familiarity. What had fooled me were its interior dimensions. They were tiny, clearly inadapted to any adult life.
I was certainly outside now, I could stand up.
I had been lodging quite unconsciously until that moment, in a cramped-up bijou habitat.
How on earth could I have been so blind, or small?
"Bloody ridiculous!" I blinked stupidly.
I could just about put a foot through that front door, down there, but no more of my body would now fit in.
Dull for so long to pain, the diagnosis was now apparent.
Looking back, I was there...standing above a wavering light.
I took a deep breath. The door was behind me.
I took my bearings, in the darkness.
I felt a slight sea breeze, its perfume filled my nostrils.
I felt no longer the dulling anxiety.
I had changed position. It was over.
I was no longer accessory to someone's play-space.
I felt a sad empathy for the child, the children.
Consumed from inside, hollow, hollow they had been, ever greedy for more...to fill a void.
Listen to a soul.
"What is inside was becoming doubt. Fear not. There, is your way..."
"For things are things because of mind, as mind is mind because of things."
Hsin Hsin Ming
“HELMER; But this is disgraceful. Is this the way you neglect your most sacred duties?
NORA: What do you consider is my most sacred duty?
HELMER: Do I have to tell you that? Isn't it your duty to your husband and children?
NORA:I have another duty, just as sacred.
HELMER: You can't have. What duty do you mean?
NORA: My duty to myself.”
Henrik Ibsen, A Doll's House