Tuesday, August 26, 2014

A doll's house.

Still from Fanny and Alexander. Bergmann.
Sight came quite unexpectedly to me, late in years, one moment in the early hours.

A model existence...

There it had been. An ideal interior it was, insistent, in intelligent design. Cutesy curtained windows, cottagey feel, it was life in toy-form.

As I dreamt, I was able to lucidly study the space that I had just left.  

It was really quite attractive. It felt homely. While on first inspection alien, it had a strange familiarity. What had fooled me were its interior dimensions.  They were tiny, clearly inadapted to any adult life.

I was certainly outside now, I could stand up.

I had been lodging quite unconsciously until that moment, in a cramped-up bijou habitat.

How on earth could I have been so blind, or small?

"Bloody ridiculous!" I blinked stupidly.

I could just about put a foot through that front door, down there, but no more of my body would now fit in.

Dull for so long to pain, the diagnosis was now apparent.
Looking back, I was there...standing above a wavering light.

I took a deep breath.  The door was behind me. 

I took my bearings, in the darkness.

I felt a slight sea breeze, its perfume filled my nostrils.

I felt no longer the dulling anxiety.

I had changed position. It was over.

I was no longer accessory to someone's play-space.

I felt a sad empathy for the child, the children.

Consumed from inside, hollow, hollow they had been, ever greedy for more...to fill a void.

Shh! Shh!
Listen to a soul.
"What is inside was becoming doubt.  Fear not. There, is your way..."

"For things are things because of mind, as mind is mind because of things."
Hsin Hsin Ming


“HELMER; But this is disgraceful. Is this the way you neglect your most sacred duties?

NORA: What do you consider is my most sacred duty?

HELMER: Do I have to tell you that? Isn't it your duty to your husband and children?

NORA:I have another duty, just as sacred.

HELMER: You can't have. What duty do you mean?

NORA: My duty to myself.” 

Henrik IbsenA Doll's House